Ten Commonly Asked Questions About Grief


  • WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
  • AM I "GOING CRAZY?"
  • WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
  • WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS GUILT I FEEL?
  • WHAT IF I FEEL "FINE?” IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
  • I HAVE A STRONG RELIGIOUS FAITH SO I SHOULDN'T BE GRIEVING, SHOULD I?
  • HOW CAN I "LET GO” OF THE PERSON WHEN I DON'T WANT TO?
  • IF I STOP GRIEVING FOR SOMEONE DOESN'T THAT MEAN I HAVE FORGOTTEN THEM OR THAT I DON'T LOVE THEM ANYMORE?
  • WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY? IS IT EVER GOING TO END?
  • WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO "GET BETTER?
The death of someone close to us is an emotionally traumatic event. Feelings of grief are normal, natural and necessary to help us heal.
Grief can cause feelings of sadness, panic, desperation, anger and guilt. There may be feelings of confusion, forgetfulness and inability to focus and make decisions. We may feel helpless, hopeless and out of control. This may be frightening, but it doesn’t mean you are going crazy. These emotions are normal reactions to grief and will ease with time.
Anger comes from the hurt or fear we have as a result of losing a loved one. We might be angry at health care professionals, other family members, the person who died, or God. We may even be angry with ourselves. It can be a difficult thing for us to feel angry or to admit it, but know it is a phase of grief which will pass. If your anger continues or worsens, consider speaking with someone for assistance.
When someone dies we might feel guilt. This can involve feeling responsible for the death in some way or for conflict in the relationship in the past. More often, though, we feel regret, which is different from guilt. Guilt is when I blame myself for something bad that happened. Regret is when I feel bad that something happened but I realize it wasn't my fault. As with any emotion, if your guilt becomes disruptive to your life, you may wish to reach out for help.
Grief is personal and individual. There's no “right way” to grieve. There is also no timetable. Grief can come and go. You might already have grieved a lot. Or your mind might be "taking a rest” from the grief, or putting it "on hold” for a while. It could be an indication that you're moving into a different phase of grief. There will be good days and bad days. As time goes on, the good days will be more frequent.
All of the world's major religions accept that grief is a part of human nature. Both the Jewish and Christian scriptures of the Bible are full of stories of devout people in grief. Buddhism does not label grief as “bad” or “good,” it rather holds that the experience of grief can be one of spiritual awakening.
When a death occurs the relationship with our loved one changes, but it doesn't necessarily end. What we have to adjust to is the loss of the physical presence of the person and all that it meant to us. As we do so, our beloved is still a part of us. What we "let go” of is the pain we feel at their absence.
Long after the worst part of our grief ends, we will still have memories of the person and love for them. In a way, the "end” of our grief simply means that we are once again able to freely love the person since we are no longer consumed by our personal sorrow, confusion and anguish. We don’t forget them, we learn to stay connected without their physical presence.
Yes. The grief you're feeling now can end. The term "mourning” refers to the process of coming to terms with the death, the absence of our beloved, and one's grief. Like any process, it takes time. There are no timetables for grief and it will not end in one dramatic moment. It will diminish little by little.
Grief is so personal. What is helpful for one person might not be for another. Some things that can help are: being patient with one's self - knowing that it will take time, being aware of one's feelings and learning to express them, finding someone to talk to, and having information to help you understand the grief process.